Warning: A Bit Green

[mastaveit]

Broom Bristles

A peasant girl of 14 went to work in a broom factory. After two months of diligent work, she told the boss she was quitting in two weks. Naturally, he was surprised and was unwilling to let her go. He called her into his office and demended an explanation.

"I just want to quit, that's all," she said sullenly.

"I'll give you a raise."

"No thanks."

"You can't quit just like that. There must be a reason. Tell me."

"Okay, if you really must know."

The girl suddenly took off her panties and pointed at her pubic hair.

"Look, boss, I didn't have this before. It's the broom's bristles, I tell you."

The boss was tickled by her innocence. So he pulled down his pants, took off his briefs and showed her his penis, pointing at his own pubic hair.

"Ha ha ha! My dear, it's nature. Look, I have it, too."

"Oh no!" the girl cried.

"I can't wait two weeks. I'm gonna quit now. Not only have you got the bristles, you've grown the handle as well."

[mastaveit]

Confession Time

A guy is riding the bus when at a stop, the most beautiful woman he has ever seen gets on-and she's a nun. "Sister, you're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen and I must have sex with you," he says.

"I'm sorry but I've given my body to God," she replies and then leaves. The bus driver turns to the guy and says, "I know a way you can get her in the sack."

The bus driver tells the guy about the nun's daily 3PM confession. The bus driver tells the guy his plan and the guy leaves happy and excited. The next day at three the guy is in the booth dressed as a priest.

When the nun approaches in the darkness, he says, "Sister, God has told me I must have sex with you." She replies, "Well if God has said it, we must do it.

However, because of my strong commitment to God I will only take it up the ass." The guy figures this isn't a problem and proceeds to have the best sex ever.

After it is over he whips off his outfit and says, "Surprise, I'm the guy on the bus." With that the nun turns around and says, "Surprise, I'm the bus driver."

[mastaveit]

Considerate Missus

His wife being eight months pregnant, poor husband has had to sleep on the floor and this had made him desperate for sex.

One night as she lay on the bed, she glances at him and sees the poor guy curled up on the floor, eyes staring widely into the empty air.

Feeling sorry for her husband, she takes her wallet and fishes out P500 and gives it to him. "Here, take this and go to the woman next door, and she will let you sleep with her tonight. But remember that this happens only once, okay? Don't ask me to do this again."

The husband rolls his eyes in disbelief, but afraid that she might change her mind, grabs the money, and leaves quickly.

A few minutes later, he returns, hands the bill back to the wife, and says with much disappointment, "She said this is not enough, she wants P600."

The wife's face slowly turns red with anger. "Damn that bitch! When she was pregnant and her husband came over here, I only charged him P500!"

[mastaveit]

Deaf And Dumb

A small white guy goes into an elevator when he notices a huge black dude standing next to him. The big black dude looks down upon the small white guy and says, "Seven-foot tall, 350 pounds, 20-inch dick, three-pound left testicle, three-pound right testicle, Turner Brown."

The small white guy faints. The big black dude picks up the small white guy and brings him to consciousness, slapping his face and shaking him, and asks the small white guy. "What’ wrong?" The small white guy says, "Excuse me but what did you say?"

The big black dude looks down and says, "Seven-foot tall, 350 pounds, 20-inch dick, three-pound left testicle, three-pound right ball, my name is Turner Brown." The small white guy says, "Thank God, I thought you said, 'Turn around'!"

[mastaveit]

Death Wish

A woman was walking through the woods when she came across a rusty old lamp.

The woman, being so curious, immediately picked it up and rubbed it.

Then suddenly a genie appeared saying he would grant the lady three wishes. The catch was, for every wish, her husband would get the same 10 times over.

The woman said, "For my first wish, I want to be the most beautiful woman in the world." The genie warned her, "Your husband will be the most handsome man in the world and women will flock to him." The woman replied, "That's okay, I trust my husband." So, poof!-she became the most beautiful woman in the world.

After that, the woman said, "For my second wish, I want to be the richest woman in the world." The genie said, "That will make your husband 10 times richer than you." "That's okay, we will share our money," said the woman. Poof!-she became the richest woman in the world.

The genie then inquired about her last wish. The woman said, "Hmm… I'd like a mild heart attack."

[mastaveit]

Golfing Spirit

The Pope met with his Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Benjamin Netanyahu, the leader of Israel.

"Your Holiness, Mr. Netanyahu wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by our faiths."

The Pope thought this was a good idea, but he had never held a golf club in his hand. "Don't we have a Cardinal to represent me?" he asked.

"None that plays very well," a Cardinal replied. "But," he added, "there is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer who is devout a Catholic. We can offer to make him a Cardinal, then ask him to play Mr. Netanyahu as your personal representative. In addition to showing our spirit of cooperation, we'll also win the match."

Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made. Of course, Mr. Nicklaus was honored and agreed to play. The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result. "I have some good news and some bad news, your Holiness." "Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus." said the Pope.

"Well, your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even though I've played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by far. I must have been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful, and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous." "There's bad news?" the Pope asked.

"Yes," Nicklaus sighed. "I lost to Rabbi Tiger Woods by three strokes."

[mastaveit]

kemie_14 Wrote: po for this topic. Sarap basahin. :yupi:

You're welcome po.. More to come..

[futurewarrior]

mastaveit Wrote:One-way Ticket to Heaven

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one: "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?" The first man replies: "I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so I came home early to try to catch her red-handed.

As I entered my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong. So, I went out to the balcony and there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! I got really mad, so I started kicking him, but he wouldn't fall off. So I got a hammer and hammered on his fingers. He let go and fell—but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay.

I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony." "Sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in. The second man comes up and Peter again asks for his story. "It's been a very strange day. See, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and I do my exercises out on my balcony. This morning I slipped andI fell over the edge.

But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony and started kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. I let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Then suddenly, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly. The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story. "Picture this," says the third man, "I was hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."

may pinoy version itong kwento na ito sa KOOL ka lang dati to' joke na e2
ehehehe...

[zignuz]

sarap basahin sir, nakakatuwa na wala pang SMS type... kapag bumili ako ng FHM dati, ito ang pangalawa kong binabasa... una syempre y0ng ladies confession :kawali: keep on posting sir!

[tiNe]

Hahaha! Natawa aq f0r sharing. M0re pa sana :smileygurl: